As a divorce attorney who has been a fierce litigator for over 30 years, with time, experience and wisdom, I have learned that a good divorce attorney can, and should do more than litigate. My own spiritual and emotional development made it more and more difficult for me to reconcile the aftermath of litigation. The emotional, financial, and spiritual toll it takes on couples who once loved each other, and most especially the devastation to their children, I could longer be a party to. The image of a divorce attorney being a shark runs deep, and is so ingrained in our culture. One of my colleagues had the face of a Doberman pincher on his ad with the words “aggressive representation” under the face of the biting dog.
Of course, there are cases where there is no choice but to litigate, especially in cases with domestic violence or a marriage partner who has lost all sense of right or wrong and is akin to a narcissist sociopath. However, these cases are not the majority. It is time to look at what process to choose rather than blindly choosing litigation as the default position.
As I tried to reconcile my feelings, I looked to other attorneys who felt as I did. There is a growing collaborative movement which began with Stuart Webb who developed the collaborative process. Mediation is now a buzzword, and the public is more educated about alternative ways to divorce.
But what about me? Where was I in all this? One day, while reading a mediation, I came across the bio of Saint Ivo of Kermartin, who lived in Brittany, France and died in 1303. Ivo was the son of a Lord. After studies in both cannon and civil law, he was appointed ecclesiastical judge for the diocese of Rennes. Ivo’s approach to the law was extraordinary. He sought to urge litigants to reconcile, if possible. When they could not, he urged them to settle out of court, thus saving the poorest litigants unnecessary lawyer’s fees and more favorable outcome. Ivo was a just Judge, utterly immune to bribe.
I realized this prompting and desire that I was feeling was timeless and universal. It was coming from deep within. I have come to embrace this desire to be a source of healing, good counsel, guidance, and justice.
How this translates into my practice is I look to make agreements for my client that are just. Justice is giving someone their due. It is giving something and receiving something in return. It is not a means to punish or destroy the other party. In healthy agreements, both parties have rights and responsibilities, both give and receive. Mediation and collaborative divorce help this process. I am a counselor at law and I cherish this role. This is the best fit in my role as a family lawyer.
A marriage may end, but a family continues. In a divorce, part of the healing process is to recognize that healing can only occur if there is acceptance, fair play, and forgiveness. It is the first step in a difficult journey but one that can be “won.”
