“Kindness and truth show me; Justice and peace shall kiss.” Psalm 85: 11
The definition of trust is a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or faith in someone or something. It is reliance on integrity. It is difficult to have true peace and true justice without them as the Psalm perfectly says. Trust is important in relationships. If you do not trust someone it is hard to have confidence or believe they want what is best for you. In collaborative divorce trust and integrity are key factors to the process.
First you must trust in the process itself. This comes from understanding how collaboration works as well as having an open and confident relationship with your attorney. If you do not trust your attorney you have the wrong attorney; whether it is litigation or collaborative divorce. An attorney must have your best interests at heart and respect you enough to be honest with you, not tell you what you want to hear or promise whatever you want as long as you keep paying their fees. An attorney must also counsel and advise you on the law and be concerned with your well- being, your finances, and your future; but, they must trust you enough to decide for yourself and not usurp you of your power to determine your own fate.
The second component is to trust the process – in order to do this, there has to be a level of trust with your spouse. Even if your relationship fell apart; or if your spouse hurt you by having an affair, made a poor decision, or has disappointed you over the years that does not mean you and your spouse cannot have common goals for yourselves and your children during and after the divorce. You both may desire not to hurt each other further and not to damage your children. You can work together to fashion a divorce and a new life that will allow each of you to move on and be able to parent your children together. You are getting divorced not your children.
Collaborative divorce requires integrity between the entire team – a team that consists of the couple, the lawyers, the divorce coach, child specialist, financial adviser, etc. The team is formed based on the lawyers and couple’s decision on who they need as a team member to facilitate and help with the divorce. Every team member does what they say they will do, honors their commitments and responsibilities. Assignments and tasks are completed. Financials and reports are exchanged.
The primary concern is that you and your spouse complete the divorce with as little pain, cost and damage as possible. The focus is that you realize your goals which are defined at the beginning of our first meeting together. We want you to finish the divorce with an optimistic future instead of a decimation of the present and no hope or plan for your future as in litigated divorce. You and your attorney are the guardians and gate keepers of transparency, trust, and integrity.
The process requires this. We hold each other to this standard and have accountability. By being vulnerable, honest, and forthcoming you can stand before your spouse and tell him or her of your needs, fears, and what is important to you. You will be heard. The information and finances disclosed is what must be disclosed in litigation. It is just exchanged and compiled in an easier, less costly, and more efficient way. It is done in a cooperatively versus working at cross purposes.
Make no mistake, collaborative divorce is not a weaker or watered- down version of a litigated divorce. It takes work and some discomfort; however, it is done in a safe environment and directed to reaching your goals. You get to the same place at the end; but like life is a journey not a destination so is divorce. A litigated divorce is like trekking to the North Pole in a blizzard while collaborative divorce is like walking on the beach on a July day – it may be hot but with the sea breeze it remains comfortable as you walk to the end of the boardwalk.
