I love to dance. Listening and moving to the sound of music is edifying, soulful and connects me with my body. dancing with a partner, can be an intimate experience. I am not just referring to the sexual tension when dancing with another, I am referring to being in sync with someone, moving in unison. As a couple dances to the music each sense where their partner is going. Dancing is an appropriate metaphor for collaborative divorce. Collaborative divorce is a process of divorce in which both spouses agree and pledge not to go to court. They hire collaboratively trained attorneys and the focus is on discovering common goals and using whatever experts and support is needed to craft the best possible divorce agreement for themselves and their children. It is an interdisciplinary process meaning other professionals can be brought into the inner circle and be part of the team It is a completely different process from litigation or an adversarial divorce.
In a recent collaborative meeting, as I asked the husband and wife what their goals were and waited for a response this concept of dancing came into my mind and I immediately thought of Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire. Undoubtedly, one of the best dancing partners of all time, true icons of dance. This couple before me needed to be in step with each other. Everyone has their moves. I must be in step with them as well as the wife’s attorney. This is what being able to collaborate is all about.
As I listened to the wife’s response, I looked at the husband and knew I had to give him a cue to come to the dance floor. He seemed somewhat stoic and disengaged. I asked him how he felt about what his wife’s goals were. At first, he was surprised that I addressed him; but he did not miss a beat and said, “I heard what she said. She and I have the same goals – to have security and our children to be okay.”
I was very impressed that he was able to not only listen to the wife but repeat back what she said. More importantly, he got down to the actual need that the wife had. The wife became less tense. They both looked at each other and there was silence. The wife’s attorney now took her turn on the dance floor and said, “Let’s see how we can ensure you both realize your goals and you and your children are secure financially and emotionally.”
After this exchange, we went on to sign the participation agreement which is a contract to proceed collaboratively. Encouraged that the couple will be able to see the bigger picture and not step on each other’s toes, or allow the other to slip and fall on the dance floor, I was secure in signing the participation agreement. This means court is not an option. Now both spouses have skin in the game. If the collaboration is not successful, there will have to be new attorneys and will have to commence a divorce action, using the litigation model. Any agreements made during the collaboration, however, are valid and binding as well as any financial information that is required to be exchanged in litigation can and will be used such as a net worth or tax returns.
In order for attorneys to successfully practice collaborative law they must be open and be able to hear the song that is playing. A song that is unique to the couple before them. They must not resort to litigation lawyer mode and quote the law and take firm positions. They must not speak for their client. The clients each have their own voice and turn on the dance floor. A discordant note being played will stop the music. This happens when the couple do not speak honestly, there is no transparency, and the attorneys do not honor what the couple needs and wants for their family. They must also be in tune with the other attorney on the team and be prepared; speaking and practicing the dance steps before a meeting.
In order for a couple to be successful in a collaborative case the couple must each have the right attorney and be able to move to the music. They must be able to speak, ask questions, and be willing to explore what is behind a certain “position”. By way of example someone may want to stay in the home. The question to ask and discern is what is behind this? It May be the fear of not knowing where they could relocate, or not having the help and support to explore a different home and lifestyle. During a divorce, clients are often overwhelmed with the process. They are trying to manage and deal with the emotional turmoil and stress they are experiencing. They have difficulty looking or moving forward. This leads to decisions that may not be in their best interests.
Collaborative divorce allows support, there is creative problem solving and brainstorming. You rely on the experts to give you all the information you need and give their recommendations to enable you to make the best decision. In a team approach each participant in the dance wants what is best for the entire family. The collaborative process also recognizes and allows the parties to grieve the divorce and to help them heal.
The team taking direction from the couple, help choreograph the dance. The team must be able to choose the music together, listen to it, and move with it. The couple with the team’s assistance must be able to ask each other to dance and bring each other to the dance floor. When all of these factors jive the music plays and the family has a new song in the dance of life
