There has been an ongoing trend in the law to ensure that a child has a relationship with both of their parents. There were two recent cases that further strengthen that trend. In one case, the Appellate Division First Department granted visitation to a father even though the 14-year-old daughter stated that she did not want to visit with him, had no emotional bond with him, and he had not been active in her life. In another recent case, a mother, who had an order with no visitation, requested a modification stating that she now had stable housing, a job, and was drug-free for at least 3 years. The Family Court denied the request. The Appellate Division Third Department, remanded the case stating the family court gave undue weight to a forensic evaluation report rather than the mother’s testimony of the progress that she had made and how she wanted to reestablish a relationship with her son. The trend continues.
In recent years, much weight has been given to children as to their wishes regarding visitation, custody, and parenting access. The older the child, the more weight seems to be given. Children are given an attorney to advocate for them. This is just one piece of the court’s analysis and rightly so. Children are children and not adults.
As a divorce attorney for over thirty years, a certified parent coordinator, a certified spiritual director, a certified mediator and a collaboratively-trained attorney, I know firsthand the importance of a child knowing and having a relationship with each parent. It is crucial for a child’s development and emotional and psychological health.
During the divorce, children often become embroiled in their parents’ litigation, and often a child sides with either the parent that they see as the victim or the parent that they know if they do not vilify or deny the other parent it will adversely affect their relationship with them. The best situation for any child is that the parents can co-parent and put their differences aside in order to have as much of a normal parenting relationship with the child and between themselves. Being able to attend sporting events, games, religious ceremonies and childhood milestones together is so important for a child. Parents must be able to speak to each other about what’s happening with the child, as well as making decisions together as to what’s healthiest and beneficial for their child. Co-parenting will result in less emotional and psychological damage for a child during the divorce, after the divorce, and into adulthood.
I represented children years ago when we were called law guardians. It broke my heart when a child was afraid to express their love for one of their parents or that they wanted to spend time with them. Children are very perceptive, and even though the parent that they live with does not necessarily say anything overtly, (though they sometimes do) they can tell by their body language and conversation how they feel. They sense the anger or disappointment toward the other parent and because they do not want to be disloyal and often adapt the same attitude the parent they live with has. I recall one child confessing to me that he knew his Dad would always be there for him but he did not have confidence his mother would be, so he tried to please his Mom to the detriment of his relationship with his Dad. That is too high a price to pay. That child can never get back the time and memories he should have had growing up with his father. I often wonder years later how he is and what kind of Dad he may be.
A child is part of both parents and it is important they understand that and it is alright. Our parents are our greatest teachers about who we are and where we come from. It is through them we learn who we are. It is something deep and primordial. There are no such things as perfect parents or perfect children. We are all struggling along hopefully together.
Often parents have different parenting styles. When they are a united front or live together they often balance each other which is the best scenario. When they separate the child may no longer be receiving the best of both parents and there is something sadly lacking as they grow up and in their experience. Being a parent is the most important thing you will ever do. Deep down everyone wants to be a good parent and role model. A parent can start by putting their children first and accepting the need for a child to have a relationship with both parents and it is your responsibility according to the law.
How can you co-parent?
1) Get support with the help of a parent coordinator, family therapist, counselor, and learn by reading books and researching information.
2) Individual therapy is a must for anyone who is deciding whether to divorce, in the process of a divorce or post- divorce. Individual therapy is necessary to discover your own childhood wounds and to learn how to overcome them form high jacking your emotions and actions. It supports not repeating old unhealthy patterns, how to process anger and grief of the ending of the marriage.
Through individual therapy, family counseling, and parent coordination one can learn new ways to handle conflict, coping mechanisms and most importantly how not to inflict and misdirect your pain on someone else especially your child or ex-spouse.
3) If you are about to divorce choose your process carefully. Collaborative divorce allows the attorneys representing you to form a team to get you the support you need. The focus is on both spouses and especially their children. Mediation can also be a better forum; if you have the right mediator. If so he or she will encourage parenting access and suggest seeking help from outside sources to encourage and support you both.
4) If you are grappling with trying to find meaning in your life, having trouble forgiving or moving forward, and focused on why you are in the situation you find yourself in you may find strength, comfort, and solace in religion. Perhaps rediscover your childhood religious background but view it as an adult. Learn about it dismiss preconceived notions and see if it fits.
Parents do matter and your child knows it. The law, psychology, religion, and society knows how important it is. Do you?
